A Petition

EDITOR’S NOTE: A follow-up to yesterday’s “Natural Nonsense” post. Originally published May 2015.

I’d like to propose an effort to disseminate some critical, woefully under-reported information about a dangerous chemical substance that many of us consume daily. Given the power of petitions and the heed that combined voices are given by politicians, policy-makers and regulators, starting a petition drive to create awareness and demand action is my preferred course of action.

Here is my proposed petition:

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The chemical compound “1,3,7-Trimethylpurine-2,6-dione,” found in or added to a wide range of consumer beverages, has demonstrably caused the following ill effects in humans:

• Tachycardia

• Heartburn

• Acid Reflux

• Hyperactivity

• Uncontrolled Tremors and Muscle Spasms

• Cognitive Dysfunction

• Heart Palpitations

• Diuresis

• Stomach Cramps

• Diarrhea

• Dehydration

• Insomnia

• Headaches

• Hallucinations

• Hypertension

• Stomach Ulcers

• Cardiac Arrest

• Death

We the undersigned demand that the FDA ban it from all consumer goods and fine manufacturers, distributors and merchants who add it to or fail to remove it from their products.

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There have been several instances of people petitioning for the ban of dihydrogen monoxide, a common ingredient in foods and beverages that has been shown to have adverse effects on life and health. The gag, of course, is that dihydrogen monoxide is water, but countless people have signed those petitions that called for its ban.

In case you haven’t guessed or didn’t Google it yet, “1,3,7-Trimethylpurine-2,6-dione” is caffeine, and it would amuse me to no end to get coffee loving social justice warriors, FairTrade hipsters, and trend-following Starbucks acolytes to sign a petition banning one of their favorite chemicals.