The Great Toilet Paper Controversy

Sure as the sunrise and a bit more frequently than the seasons, a declaration of toilet paper roll dispensing propriety appears in my social media feed.

Most of us know the hullaballoo - should the end hang down the front or down the back? Toward you or toward the wall?

Which is correct? Which rule should you obey?

Some point to the original patent, which depicts "front hang," as the definitive source material.

Others assert that the inventor's illustration was merely presented that way to facilitate illustration of perforation, and therefore that it wasn't intended to dictate a methodology.

Some argue that "rear hang" is neater and less obtrusive, makes tearing easier, and is more resistant to cat and toddler mischief.

Hotel housekeepers who proffer the point presentation are necessarily front hangers.

Mischief-makers staying in such hotels may choose to flip the roll each night, just to see what will happen.

Germaphobes argue that you've less likelihood of contact with walls or fixtures with the front hang, so less likely to either corrupt those surfaces with an unwashed hand or corrupt your hand by contact with soiled-by-others surfaces.

Yeah, and everyone scrubs down for at least 30 seconds after using the loo.

Pack-runners suggest that, since 70% front hang, that is the way.

Obvious argumentum ad populum fallacy. Everyone used to think the Sun went around the Earth.

Iconoclasts tell pack-runners to piss off, and go against the consensus just because consensus is for the weak.

Conspiracists suggest that Big TP advises the front hang because it tends to dispense more paper per draw than rear hang, meaning you'll use more of their product.

Environmentalists might jump on that bandwagon, ‘just in case.’

But, this being an increasingly non-binary world, we must also deal with the variants.

Behold, the "vertical."

Herein lies the potential for political discord. Given that your choices are "left" or "right," we now face the peril of having someone divine our political leanings from our powder room’s TP orientation, and that's after we face the same sorts of arguments about front hang vs rear hang. Your domestic partner probably knows already, but what about your houseguests? Do you risk their making a presumption - good, bad, true, or false? Wars have started over less.

A similar problem arises with the commercial "jumbo" roll dispensers, which require a left-right decision as well. With the added wrinkle of proximity: do the short-limbed suffer from an “away” hang? Do the long-legged get tickled by a “close” hang?

Then, there's true chaos - the double-jumbo.

What now? Two lefts? Two rights? Left-right, aka the outside hang?? Right-left, so that we get an inside hang???

The purveyors of such may pretend to commercial efficiency, but we all know they are fomenters of unrest and discord. Especially if you opt for the outside hang, wherein Left and Right gravitate to the extremes.

On the other hand (despite my surmise that “the other hand” may prove problematic for some), an inside hang could be seen as a metaphor for bipartisan unity and a “meeting in the middle.”

As usual, libertarians know the way:

Do what you want.

Stop worrying about what others demand of you, and don’t demand others do as you do (or doo…?).

That said, if your spouse or domestic partner is vehement about the opposite, weigh the value of your personal preference vs the imperilment of household harmony... after realizing that you know perfectly well how to dispense TP under both protocols, and that it really doesn’t matter.

If your kids get cranky about your choice, remind them of the Golden Rule (aka He Who Has The Gold Makes The Rules), inform them that they are perfectly capable of drawing paper under either protocol, and explain to them the great peril of being left without should they remain recalcitrant.

Finally, if you want to entertain yourself, mix it up. Don't conform to either protocol, and surprise yourself on every withdrawal. Add a little of your own chaos to the world.

---

If you enjoy The Roots of Liberty, please subscribe (if you have already, thank you!), and  please recommend the blog to your friends! While I share it as much as I can on social media, subscribing ensures you won't miss a post.

If you really* like The Roots of Liberty and want to help keep it rolling, please consider becoming a paying subscriber here at Substack, or at a lighter level as contributor to the blog via Patreon.

Thank you for your support!

Yours in liberty,

Peter.