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David Graf's avatar

As you know, I like your columns and do not want you to waste time on speculations and so I'll give you the answers to your questions. Of course, no one who reads my answers will believe them and so I need have no hesitation in being completely forthright and honest. First, there is intelligent life in the universe and there are aliens on earth. I'm one of them. And if you were to subject me to your most detailed examinations, you would find nothing to indicate that I wasn't born on this world. If you can already conceive in your science fiction that you can create bodies which could even interbreed with the natives as in Avatar, then my existence should not come as a surprise. By the way, many of us aliens find Avatar just as dumb as do many of you. Any starfaring civilization could easily wipe out any pesky Na'vi to get whatever "unobtanium" is on that planet. After all, if you can create those human/Na'vi hybrids then you can also easily create a plague to wipe the Na'vi out much as happened to native populations in the Americas with the inadvertent introduction of smallpox.

Second, the reason why you have not been able to detect other alien civilizations is because we don't want you to be aware of our existence. That would spoil our entertainment as I'll explain below. We have shielded probes covering every planet in this part of the galaxy which could give rise to intelligent life. Once you reach a critical stage such as the controlled propagation of radio waves then we erect a shield which keeps you from listening in on our conversations and activities. I won't bother to try to explain how we do that to you. One of our best agents whom you know as Arthur C. Clarke got it right as you reference in your own column about "magic".

Third, why are we here on earth? Even though intelligent life exists in the universe it is exceedingly rare. Life is a precious gift and so we seek to encourage it wherever we find it. However, that doesn't come cheap and until you're ready as a species to go out upon the galactic stage we have to find a way to finance your makeover. Sadly, despite our best efforts, there are races which are so morally corrupt that the kindest thing we can do to them is to end their existence. That's happened twice in your solar system with both the Martians and Venusians. Hopefully, the third try will be lucky as a charming phrase puts it in your language.

Fourth, how do we plan to change you as a race to one worthy to travel between the stars? We put agents in place like Clarke and myself to help guide your civilization to a higher level and when necessary engage in active interventions. We're the reason why Chicago wasn't turned into a nuclear hellhole when your scientists were tempting fate with their jerry built reactor. We also finance entertainment to help people become comfortable with the idea of aliens and faster than light travel and understanding that there are other ways than war to settle disputes. Some of our best successes were Star Trek TOS and the original three Star Wars movies. But, we don't always succeed. The less said about Star Trek Discovery and any of the other Star Wars movies the better.

As I mentioned earlier, this isn't cheap. And, this is the part that you may find most unattractive about our plans. To put it bluntly, we finance our operations by turning your world into the ultimate reality show in which the stakes are real and real people can die. When the ratings drop then we sometimes have to spice things up with incidents like the second world war. Roosevelt, Stalin, Churchill and Hitler were all our agents. Recently, we had to do something similar using one of our better agents who is known by you as Donald J. Trump. Please accept our apologies for how things turned out but the ratings went boffo and we made a mint with all the contributions from his supporters which were never used for their specified purpose. The NFTs were our idea as well. In fact, the $4.5 million made on earth was pocket change compared to the $450 billion made elsewhere. We'll have to come up something new soon since Trump's shtick is starting to wear thin but he's been one of our greatest assets when it comes to raising funds just like the Clintons. You can trust us. Eventually, we'll find another planet to take your place and we can proceed with "civilizing" you.

If you have any other questions, please feel free to leave comments below and I'll be glad to give you honest answers.

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Cheesefrog's avatar

Thanks as always for the thought-inducing content. I've found that I shouldn't read your column in my "reading room" lest my legs go numb from the ponderance time required.

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